//self love
It's time for some real talk, some self love!
This picture was meant to be posted for my 30th birthday back in November. I was so excited, I had this beautiful vision of what I wanted.
Well, when I got them, I was shocked at how big I looked. As someone who had lived their whole life as a 120 pounds, size 2, the expansion of my hips, and the baby weight that I never dropped, shocked and depressed me.
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I was going to post the photos regardless, but it turned out I spent most of my birthday day/night in and out of the ER and doctor’s office with my son. I was too exhausted to celebrate my birthday, I was sad Gabriel was gone, sad my son was sick, and....if I am being honest, I didn’t want to face how thick I looked.
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Over the last few months, I have tried to eat healthy when I can, I have tried to run on my lunch breaks, but the reality is - I work a full time job, I freelance on the side, and I am a full time single mom. It’s hard. I had a goal weight for when Gabriel comes back, and while I am 10 pounds lighter than when he left, I am also still 10 pounds away from where I wanted to be. I know I shouldn't, and I know there is such a massive narrative out there about comparing yourself to others on the internet, but the reality is, that it is hard. It's hard not to look at a new mom, and wonder how her stomach is so darn flat! It's hard not to want that! It's a heart-brain disconnection.
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I am tired of being ashamed of my body. I am not going to apologize anymore for my weight, my lack of a waist, my long butt, my big nose, my loudness, my volatile emotions, my sensitivity - because guess what? I am beautiful. Inside and outside. I won’t apologize for my personality because that is who I am. And that includes stop apologizing to myself. I need to stop the mean girl narrative in my own head. I want to be confident, not only for myself, but also so that I can raise my son to see that confidence is REALLY the true beauty. Not a size.
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Please know, I don't say any of this to garner a response of "Oh, you're beautiful!" - I say this to share my own journey. I say this to encourage other mama's out there who may be struggling with their own baby weight. We are beautiful. We created human beings. Our bodies gave life and we need to appreciate them.
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I may not be everyone’s cup of tea - physically or emotionally. But I have a family and a husband who love exactly the way I am.
