Update on life:
I am terrible at deployments.
I don’t say this to garner sympathy, just being totally upfront and vulnerable!
Honestly, it makes me thankful that I have a husband whose absence is just so tangible. He usually lets me sleep in on the weekends since I am the one who takes Dresden to daycare (and let’s be honest, he enjoys waking up early), and my GOD - the guy just loves to clean.
I keep sweeping and mopping the floors, and NO MATTER what, I am finding crumbs under my feet. Worst feeling ever. (Blech. Do the crumbs get worse or better as the kid ages….? Food for thought.) I messaged Gabriel…. “How in the world do you get the floors so stinkin’ pristine?”
I miss him. And his cleaning. And his cooking.
It’s really difficult working from home during this time as well. Last year, I was around family...and then I returned to work, at a physical office, and it was nice to be able to have adult interaction during the day. I am not going to lie, I literally have weeks where my house is so clean...and weeks like this week, where I struggled to wake up and my clean laundry is scattered on my couch waiting to be folded.
This week, I was reminded me that if I am going to survive this deployment, a few things need to happen:
- I need to stop internalizing my sadness and frustration.
When I allow this to happen, it becomes incapacitating. I have so much on my plate, I can’t allow myself to feel sad or frustrated and keep it in. I need to learn that it’s ok to vent, but I have to keep going.
- I need to stop thinking about how much I miss Gabriel. I know that sounds awful, but the reality is, I need to stay PRESENT and engaged in what’s going on around me. My son, my house, my work. Gabriel will come home, eventually, but I can’t keep wishing and waiting.
- I need to open myself up to community. This last week, I was able to spend some time with Angela, Robin, and Crystal - all of whom are navy spouses - and it was therapeutic. I am such an introverted extrovert. I love community, but honestly, I love being home and being on my couch. However, having nights like last Wednesday, where we played with makeup and talked about life, left me feeling more human than I have felt in a long time. And this week, I get to share my guilty pleasure of the Women Tell All & the Bachelor. Yes, I love the Bachelor, and I cannot lie.
I have to remind myself that I need that support, and I need to allow myself to get out of my head,
and my comfort zone.
Gabriel told me to go take some "me" time, and it was so good taking a few days to get a massage, my nails done, and a lunch alone...so thankful for a husband who encouraged me to do this, and keeps reminding me that I deserved it. Even if I am running little behind this week, and that’s ok!
With that being said, I am just so glad that everyday is a new day to start over. I had a few bad days, I had some self reflection, and I am going to do better, be better.