As I sit here and write,
I have a pile of dirty laundry sitting in front of my washer and dryer, Dresden’s crib is full of clothes that I still need to put away – after I just spent probably a good two hours re-arranging my closet and drawers. I have a sink full of dirty dishes from last night and this morning…was it just yesterday afternoon that my condo was sparkling?
Was it just yesterday that I felt so full of energy I didn’t need a nap?
Was it just yesterday that I was ready to conquer the world?
I have a to-do list that spans the length of a mile, at least five books that sit next to my bed waiting to be read, I start my next graduate class next week, bags of nursery decorations waiting to be hung, and I’m still not done moving in.
I aspire to be an incredible person – someone that laughs in the face of adversity, a wife that Gabriel can be proud of. I thirst for knowledge, which is why I’m in school and explains the pile of books next to the bed. I strive to be the perfect little housewife by keeping the house clean, cooking clean, and living clean. I aspire to have success in my professional life as well, both at USAA and Beautycounter.
I am naturally an emotional being, and that has nothing to do with being pregnant. Everyone keeps justifying my exhaustion and emotions – “oh you’re pregnant.” And today, I am exhausted. Mentally and physically. Maybe that does have to do with being pregnant. Just thinking about getting up to do the dishes or cook the chicken that’s defrosting is enough to bring me to the verge of tears.
This leads to feelings of frustration. Shame. Discouragement. Why can’t I be enough? Why am I so tired that I can’t even accomplish the simple goals that I had for today? Why do I feel so overwhelmed?
As I sit here and write, this little baby kicks inside of me. It’s a little spark of hope, that innocent, new life that is being sustained inside of me. It brings a smile to my heart, and a reminder that this is what life is about.
Life is messy. It isn’t easy, it was never meant to be. I’ll never be perfect…and that’s ok. As long as I am giving this life my 100%, as long as I am living intentionally, that is what matters.
No, the sink may not always be empty and my house may not always be sparkling...the book list beside my bed may never shrink…
But I will take each moment as is, breathing in life to it’s fullest. Enjoying the small moments, like feeling my baby kick or just even sitting in a dirty home that’s all my own…
This is life.